Learning about one another, in any relationship, begins with attention:
We live in a culture of distraction, one in which so many of us have to be doing more than two things at one time in order to feel satisfied or productive. This means that sitting face-to-face with our husband or wife and having a conversation without anything in our hands, or any background noise on the TV, is becoming nearly archaic.
When we come home from a long day, it’s likely that we have every intention to talk to our husband or wife about our day, to hear one another out, to reconnect and refresh or even to hash out the petty argument that we had the night before in order to move forward. We do intend to grow closer.
Instead, we pick up our phones. We tell social media about our days. We hear other people out (many that we hardly know) as they share their lives on different social media platforms. We take in information from sportscasters and give them our undivided attention. We drown one another out with Facebook clips, video games or a season of Netflix.
You absolutely do not need a romantic date night out with a babysitter in order to reconnect with one another. These generally mundane evenings give you the perfect opportunity to break out of your every day routine and display affection.
Husbands: Love your wife. Lead your wife. Pursue your wife. Date your wife.
Wives: Enjoy your husband. Listen to your husband. Choose to appreciate his hobbies. Learn about his likes and dislikes.
Turn off your phones. I have to put mine in a different room (yes, I’m totally admitting that I have zero self-control), turn off the TV, and if you have kids, let them play – they will get used to ‘daddy and mommy time’ and that is such an important thing for them to see. Sit down together and talk. You and your spouse are one; you need to make a choice to care about the things that they care about. No matter how trivial their concerns and thoughts may seem to you at the time, your spouse is important to you which makes their concerns important as well.
Take turns planning a ‘date night’ during the week. Play a board game, work out together at home, bake a dessert with her, learn how to play his favorite video game, have a glass of wine on the porch and talk about your dreams and goals, have a dance off and laugh with one another, take a walk, read a book. My husband and I love to read books together. It’s one of our favorite things to do on these weekly date nights. The books that we read create many conversations that we wouldn’t normally have and it challenges us to be better to one another. If you’re looking for some books, we highly recommend, “You and Me Forever” by Francis Chan or “This Momentary Marriage” by John Piper.
“How can I be a better husband/wife to you?” “How can I serve you better?” “What have I done lately that has made you feel unloved?” “What is one thing that I can do every day to help make our marriage even better?” “In what ways can I make you feel more desired and respected?” Although some of the answers may be hard to hear, it is important to respond with grace and understanding. Acknowledge that we all fall short and have areas for growth. I always appreciate when my husband will tell me hard answers because I know that they are just as difficult for him to say as they are for me to hear.
It’s likely that you will find that the comfort created during your time together on a ‘date night’, with conversation, fun and cuddling, leads to a feeling of togetherness and a desire for intimacy. Sex is a crucial part of marriage; scripture instructs us to not take a break from it – and for good reason. When we do, temptation is bound to arise and emotional distance is likely to happen.
Your marriage is your priority and your first ministry. Putting away our selfish desires, which includes “checking out” after a long day, will benefit our marriages in ways we couldn’t have imagined. We have the gift to come home to someone whom God has given us to share this rollercoaster of a life with.
“Be completely humble and gentle; Be patient, bearing with one another in love.”
Join the conversation in the comments below and let me know what you and your spouse do for fun together!
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Well said! I'm we're all guilty unfortunately.
We definitely are!
I have learned so much from you through your beautifully written words. Thank you for being obedient to Gods calling and sharing your love for things.
Nikki you are so sweet! Thank you for the encouragement! This blogging journey is full of so many emotional ups and downs- words like yours bless my heart more than you know! Thank you!!!
Technology is an addiction, one that is pretty hard to get rid of nowadays. But if we are committed to changing, it is doable. Thanks for the reminder!
Yes, definitely!! It's everywhere but intentionality is key! Thanks so much for reading!
Put down the phone, iPad, laptop and snuggle on the couch, watch a movie, talk, eat junk food.
Those are great ideas! Eating junk food is basically my favorite thing ever ;)
This is such a beautifully written and inspiring post! I just bookmarked it so I can reference it. I am so guilty of always being on my phone too! PS: love your sandals!
Awe, thank you Chanel!! You are so sweet. I'm so glad that this helped a little bit - thank you so much for reading! And thanks! They're from Target! :)
This is sometimes so hard! I've contemplated having a basket outside our door to leave our phones in, so that our bedroom is a phone-free zone and we can concentrate on each other. Great post.
Yes!! That is SUCH a good idea. It's such a bad habit of mine to go to sleep and wake up with my phone. I think it's time to invest in a basket ;)
"Your marriage is your priority and your first ministry." This just hit me so hard! My husband and I are involved in countless ministries at our church, and lead very full lives. We don't stop to take a few moments to be with each other, often enough. Thank you for these words! <3
Oh gosh, I can totally relate to this. I remember at one point I was pouring so much of my time into ministry and my stepdad gave me a gentle reminder and said, 'Jesus is first. Your family is second. Ministry is third. Don't ever forget the importance of keeping them in order.' I pray that you and your husband are able to slow down and cut out a couple of areas in order to put one another first! Thank you so much for sharing your heart and for reading!
Love these tips! Thank you! My husband and I have been reading The Argument Free Marriage by Fawn Weaver of the Happy Wives Club as part of our time together. I'm going to share some of these tips with him too.
Oh I would love to read that! That sounds like a great marriage ;) haha. I will be sure to check it out!
It has taken some work, but we have gotten to where we spend at least 3 weeknights doing something together. It may be reading, playing video games, watching TV, or just talking. We usually wait until the kids are in bed, since they get daddy's attention from the moment he walks in the door until they go to bed. We still have at least an hour of "us time" before it's time for us to go to bed.
That is so great Kecia! Good for you!! I'm sure you see the fruit of that in your marriage as well! <3 Thank you for sharing!!
i love this! I find myself doing this wayyy too often and it is something I need to change. Great reminds and ways to implement this.
Oh, me too!! It's nice to know that I'm not alone but love that we can both work hard to change that. Our marriages are too important!