A few evenings ago, I sat down with my husband to share with him some emotions and fears that I had been experiencing lately. I expressed to him that I feel like I am failing as a mom. That every day I feel like I’m just not doing enough and perfectionism is robbing me of joy.
For example: My son, Sutton, is a relatively good eater, yet I beat myself up over his eating habits during every single meal. He’s continuously sick and I feel like I’m never doing enough to prevent it. I feel tremendously guilty any day that I feel tired and therefore don’t spend hours of quality time teaching him new things or going on educational adventures. There are honestly a lot of days in which I live in a constant state of anxiety about not being ‘the perfect mom’ to my sweet boy and, of course, I’m so far from perfect it’s not even funny.
Isn’t it true that, oftentimes, our ideals of perfection are designed by a combination of everyone else’s achievements? We view bits and pieces of multiple people’s lives and place them together like a puzzle that fits our standard of perfection. The problem is that this perfectly-pieced puzzle is not real and it’s not tangible. Yet, we strive for it endlessly as if it were.
Do you ever find yourself doing things just for the approval or admiration of the people closest to you?
How about acquaintances you hardly even know?
Do you find yourself comparing your accomplishments with those of the people you grew up with or the people you surround yourself with now? I want to gently encourage you to stop looking over your shoulder at their lives and wishing you could be more, do more or have more so that others see you as ‘enough’.
In the moments that we find our worth by achieving perfection, every time we fall short we feel a little bit more “worthless.” But, sweet friends, you are so far from worthless. Perfect will never equal worthy.
So why are you so hard on yourself?
No matter how hard you try, how hard you strive, you will never achieve the end that you’re pursuing.
And that’s totally okay. Because you’re doing the best you can.
When we work endlessly toward “more, more, more”, we allow ourselves to be robbed of joy, filled with anxiety or envy and are left feeling as if we are failing every single day. When we achieve “more”, it will never be enough. No matter how close we get, we will never be fully satisifed.
In my quiet moments, I often have to stop and ask: Am I truly failing myself every day? Or do just I feel like I’m disappointing the people whom I have allowed to define my self-worth?
Friends – what are the missed achievements, long-gone hopes or extremely high standards that are holding you hostage today? Anything that imposes itself on your self-worth and causes you to doubt or question who you are has the ability to enslave you.
I want to encourage you to wake up to what is really important and fight your way out of that bondage. Your striving for perfectionism will never be fulfilled and these empty pursuits that we work so hard toward will one day just wither away.
Our lives are more fleeting than we want to admit. And in those final moments, we are only going to care about whether we loved people, whether we were loved by people and if we served God to the fullest.
At the end of the day, what are the things that really matter to you? If you’re doing the best that you can in those areas, rest in Jesus. He gives us the beautiful freedom to walk away from these endless and empty desires that push us to prove ourselves to the world.
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30
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What a beautiful piece on not striving for false perfectionism and falling into the comparison trap. Sometimes we just have to say "good enough" and move on. Also love the Biblical perspective!
Thank you so much! Yes, that is so true. Thank you for reading!! :)
This one hit home. Hard. I was a single mom of three for almost six years, and now I'm remarried with an 11 month old baby girl... to say that I have been striving for all of the wrong things would not do it justice. I've finally hit a place where I have nowhere else to go, nothing left to strive for except God. My husband supports me as best as he can, but even he doesn't really know what to do with me when I dip this low... thank you so much for sharing your heart in all of your posts, I have really enjoyed following you, Lindsey! <3
Yes, I love the way God has been speaking through you to me directly! I've been beating myself up over a recent breakup because I couldn't be what I thought he wanted. I wanted to be that perfect housewife you see in a movies- work all day, come home help the kids with their homework, make dinner, clean a little bit, give the kids a bath, and read them stories at bedtime. People keep telling me that real housewives aren't like that. I feel like I have to come to the realization that I may never be that woman and that it is physically impossible.
Now because, once again I am a single mother without work it's harder to become that woman that I "want to" be. I feel like I wasn't enough for my ex and I believe that's where my thought of the perfect housewife stemed from. I need Christ's love and peace to surround me and change my idea of who He made me to be and who I thought I want to be. ??
I think you're totally right. That is a wonderful goal but you can't ever set that expectation for yourself. You have to do the best that you can and in moments where you don't meet your own expectations, have grace on yourself. You were never intended to do it all - otherwise, you would never need God. Jesus loves you so much and is always drawing you into Him! Praying for you!
Great advice. Always good to keep in mind and remind ourselves!
Thanks so much, Cameron!
Sitting here wrapping up my teaching day.....and going to my first counseling session with a Christian therapist today. These are so many of the exact feelings that I am going through. Thank you for your honesty. For your grace and wisdom in your journey with motherhood. We are so similar it's not even funny.
Awe Amanda - I wish I could give you a hug! I hope that your counseling goes well and is so helpful for you. We should get coffee soon! I would love to get to know you!
It's amazing how God works and how his timing is always perfect! Thank you for for this post and for the encouraging words for us girls who are constantly struggling with this!
This was great Lindsey. We should reread this at least once a month.
Love you,
Mom
So needed this today❤
Saved as a favorite, I really enjoy your blog!
I have been feeling this extreme brokenness lately. I call myself a follower of Christ whom is my light but I have been feeling like I'm wandering the dark alone. I know Christ is my strength, He is with me, which is why I am still breathing... still here. I have been in a mind war in the matter of being "good enough". Regardless of what I do to seem ok, and strive to be good enough for those around me I find myself in a vicious cycle. I have scars from my past that tear open once again as I strive for this perfection. No matter what I do, I can't seem to get ahead. This, is what is causing me my depression. This is why I am not healing. Because these chains that Jesus broke, I am trying to pick those pieces up and put them back on me. Chain myself to a broken past so to speak. There is no acceptance in myself there. But I did accept something that redeemed me..Him. As you wrote about this, I couldn't help but feel God speaking to me through you. "Because He is enough, you will always be enough". He died for me even in my broken state, He thought I was worth it when I was even against Him. "Forgive them for they not know what they do" Luke 23:34. Now its remembering this when I feel like giving up is the hard part. When I know I am not perfect and only God is, yet I can't help but want to be.
I know it's been a while since this was posted, but to Lindsey, thank you; and God is using you. To Bella, I just want to say keep pressing forward, resting in Jesus! I deal with similar things - being hard on myself, cycling through highs and lows, striving for perfection, depression, etc. So you're not alone:). When we get low, we focus on ourselves instead of God and others. We can't let our self-worth, joy, and identity be how "perfect" or "good" we feel at any particular moment. Psalms 103:14 says that He knows our frame and remembers that we are dust. What a comforting thought! What a merciful God we serve: His mercy endures forever! Even though you posted this almost a year ago, you still may struggle (I know from experience.) But God has been teaching me so much. The doesn't get as deep as it used to, and I know He will give both of us victory if we keep seeking Him! So I hope this can be an encouragement to you dear sister!
Thank you so much, sweet Lydia. And amen! You are a gem!