I’ve hesitated to write this post because our world is obsessed with labels. We place people into categories and don’t give them much space to shift or move. We’re all broken. We’re all sinners. And we all hurt people, sometimes without even realizing it.

But I decided to move forward with this post and podcast episode because, through countless conversations with friends and people I trust, I’ve heard more and more about struggles with narcissistic behavior. It’s not as rare as we often think, and the impact it has can be deep and extremely painful.

As someone who has walked through some challenges of my own, I feel a deep conviction to help others find healing and understanding, especially from a Christian perspective.

Understanding Narcissism

So, what exactly is a narcissist? A narcissist isn’t just someone who loves themselves—though that’s part of it. Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a mental health condition. It involves a constant need for admiration, a lack of empathy, and an exaggerated sense of self-importance. Narcissistic behavior often presents itself as a person who prioritizes their own needs while seeing others as tools to boost their ego, comfort, approval, or validation.

Some red flags of narcissistic behavior include:

Exaggerated sense of self-importance: They think they’re superior to others, even without achievements to back it up.
No accountability: Narcissists rarely own up to their mistakes or apologize sincerely. Their apologies often don’t change their behavior.
Emotional withdrawal: When you show vulnerability, they shut down emotionally.
One-sided emotional labor: They take more than they give.
Using others for ego boost: Relationships are transactional—what’s in it for them?
Criticism and belittling: They tear others down to make themselves feel superior.
No empathy: They have a hard time understanding or caring about the feelings of others.

The Narcissistic Cycle: Why We’re Drawn In

Narcissists are charmers, but how can someone with such a lack of emotion be so charming?

Here’s why: narcissists often put on a facade at first. In romantic relationships, and oftentimes even friendships, they’re great at love-bombing—showering you with attention, compliments, gifts, and affection. It feels intoxicating. They’re great at mirroring you, learning what makes you happy, insecure, or turned on, and then using that to create a strong emotional attachment.

But the truth is, most narcissistic relationships are transactional. They get what they need from you—attention, affection, validation—and when they no longer feel like they’re “winning,” they move on to the next thing. They don’t care about you—they care about what you can do for them.

As one person in my life put it, “If someone truly loves you, their greatest concern is not hurting you. But a narcissist’s greatest fear is losing access to you because of how you make them feel.”

They simply appreciate what you can do for them—they love the validation or power that you give to them—like the sunshine in their black and white. Once they feel that you’ve stopped glowing, they move on to the next thing—until that bright thing eventually, and inevitably, dims to them as well.

Narcissistic Parents: The Pain of Realizing the Truth

Dealing with a narcissistic parent can be especially difficult. Parents are supposed to be our protectors, supporters, and cheerleaders. But what if they’re using you to boost their own image or achieve their own goals? It’s incredibly hard to come to terms with, especially when it conflicts with the deep-rooted belief that family should be unconditional.

Many people experience cognitive dissonance in these situations: they want to honor their parents and maintain their emotional health, but they can’t reconcile the two. They may also experience denial or minimization, especially if their narcissistic parent gaslights them or manipulates them into questioning their own reality.

Narcissistic Parents Can Hurt Your Emotional Growth

Here’s how narcissistic parents can impact you as you grow older:

1. Dysfunctional views of love: Growing up with emotional manipulation—like withholding affection or love as punishment—can create a toxic template for what love looks like. As an adult, you may unknowingly seek out relationships where love is conditional.

2. Struggling to set boundaries: If you grew up in an environment where boundaries were violated or non-existent, you may struggle to say “no” as an adult. You may fear rejection or anger from others and end up sacrificing your own well-being.

3. Caretaking and rescuing: Narcissistic parents often demand emotional caretaking from their children. As an adult, you may feel your worth is tied to rescuing others, leading to burnout and neglect of your own needs.

4. Neglecting your own needs: Constantly trying to keep the peace, you may have learned to suppress your own needs in favor of others.

5. Low self-esteem: Growing up in an environment where love was conditional—based on performance or meeting expectations—can leave you with fragile self-esteem as an adult. You might constantly seek approval and struggle with feelings of inadequacy.

6. Becoming narcissistic yourself: It’s possible to adopt narcissistic traits as a defense mechanism, especially if you never learned healthy emotional patterns. You might struggle to empathize with others, manipulate people to meet your needs, and see relationships as transactional rather than about genuine connection.

Narcissism in Relationships: The Toxic Love-Bombing Cycle

Dating a narcissist feels amazing at first. They shower you with affection and make you feel like the center of their universe and like the most attractive, loved person to ever exist. But over time, it becomes exhausting.

It starts with love-bombing—compliments, gifts, and constant attention. But eventually, the dynamic shifts. They start to subtly criticize you or make you feel insecure. They’ll build resentment and disdain toward anyone who has something they want or admire (including your friends or family). And the relationship shifts quickly to become more about their needs, rather than yours.

As things progress, the behavior turns hot and cold. One day they adore you, and the next, they withdraw or act cruelly. You start justifying their bad behavior because when they’re good, they’re really good. But the good behavior happens when you’re already running down the hallway and they don’t want you to make it out the door. They often continue to use mirroring to keep a person hooked.

Healing from Narcissistic Abuse: Setting Boundaries

So, how do we heal from narcissistic relationships—whether with a parent, partner, or friend?

1. Accept that they likely won’t change. Narcissists rarely take accountability or develop true empathy. Holding on to hope that they’ll change will only prolong the pain.

Let me be clear that I believe that Jesus can save and redeem even the hardest of hearts, and He does and He has, especially in my own life. I believe that He can overcome any personality disorder and change us from the inside out. 2 Corinthians reminds us: “In Christ you are a new creation, old things have passed away, behold, all things have become new.”

But without miraculous transformation from Jesus, y’all, old habits die hard, and setting firm boundaries is crucial. As Christians, we are called to love sacrificially, but that doesn’t mean allowing ourselves to be continuously mistreated. Jesus himself set boundaries to protect His peace and purpose.

2. Set Firm Boundaries: While Jesus calls us to love others sacrificially, He also teaches the importance of boundaries in relationships.

Setting clear, healthy boundaries is not unloving; it’s essential for maintaining your mental and emotional well-being. Even Jesus set boundaries—he avoided emotional manipulation in Matthew 22:15-22 when the pharisees tried to trap him when asking about taxes. He took time alone to rest and recharge, he withdrew and stepped away from people who were not open to change or repentance (as taught in Matthew 10:14)  and he limited his inner circle.

Matthew 18:15 speaks about confronting someone who sins against you: “If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over.”

With parents: Limit topics of conversation, reduce emotional sharing, and set time limits on interactions.

With spouses: If you’re still together, establish clear boundaries for what you will and won’t tolerate. If you’re leaving, be prepared for resistance.

With friends: Distance yourself gradually—stop oversharing, avoid one-on-one time, and shift to casual group settings.

3. Stop seeking their validation, apology, or closure

If they’ve withdrawn or have an avoidant personality, they may never give you the closure or apology you’re seeking. Closure comes from understanding their patterns and accepting their behavior isn’t about you—it’s a disorder within them.

You don’t need someone to acknowledge their hurtful actions to heal. You’ve already felt the pain and seen the damage. Trust their actions over their words—believe them. You don’t need an apology to validate what you’ve already experienced.

5. Grieve what you did not receive. Inevitably, in the course of educating yourself and confronting your past, you will need to grieve what you did not receive—essentially, the chance to truly be a kid. This grieving process may take quite some time—it can, at times, often feel endless—but it’s also valid and necessary to your healing process.

6. Know When to Distance Yourself

Jesus often took time away from people to pray and recharge, even though He was compassionate toward others. Sometimes, distancing yourself from a narcissistic person is the most loving thing you can do—not only for your own peace but for their potential growth as well.

Matthew 10:14 shows that sometimes we need to “shake the dust off our feet” and move on from relationships that aren’t healthy: “If anyone will not welcome you or listen to your words, leave that home or town and shake the dust off your feet.”

This doesn’t mean you need to cut them off permanently (unless necessary for safety or health), but it’s okay to distance yourself to preserve your mental and emotional health.

7. Pray for Their Transformation

At the core, narcissism stems from brokenness, insecurity, and a lack of genuine self-awareness. As Christians, we are called to pray for those who harm us and trust that God can transform even the hardest hearts.

Matthew 5:44 says, “But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you,” acknowledging that we may need God’s strength to love and forgive someone who is difficult or narcissistic.

Keep praying for their heart to soften, while also praying for your own strength and wisdom to navigate the relationship.

Healing from a relationship like this takes time, and it’s not easy. But you don’t have to keep waiting for something from them that may never come. You already have what you need to move forward: understanding, clarity, and the ability to believe in your own experience. As you focus on your healing, remember, it’s okay to let go of the need for their acknowledgment. It’s about finding peace and freedom in your own journey.

With Love,

Linds