It can be incredibly difficult to meet new people and make friends as an adult. We don’t have classes to go to or study groups to join. We no longer have sororities and fraternities or dorm roommates.
It is now up to us to meet people, and sometimes it may seem a lot easier to stay in, eat frozen pizza and binge-watch Netflix by ourselves.
But that’s not how it has to be. We have the opportunity to make new friends and create life-giving friendships.
In my experience, I have found that there is an endless list of reasons [or excuses] that people give when making the choice to “settle” in regards to friendship:
- You may prefer isolation and thrive off of being alone.
- You may be hesitant to let down your walls in fear of what people will think of you if you open up.
- You may be intimidated by groups of people who seem to have it “all together” (which is never actually the case.)
- You may believe the lie that you just don’t get along with people. [I can’t even count how many times I’ve heard the comment, “I just don’t click with other girls.” I used to say this all the time, until I realized that the problem was in my heart, and not in the hearts of the hundreds of women around me.]
- You may just feel that you’re too busy to add in time with friends.
- You aren’t sure how to make new friends.
Do any of these reasons sound familiar to you?
Hebrews 10:24-25 says, “And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another…”
This verse very intentionally addresses Christians who habitually neglect time spent with other Christians. The opposite of neglect is encouraging good works and love in one another. Those are such good things – great things – so why don’t we desire to pursue that more?
I definitely do not want to diminish how real the majority of the above reasons are. It is hard to make time, sometimes it is really nice to just be alone, and you’re not going to get along with everyone. Yet, despite our feelings, hesitations or busy schedules, scripture makes it clear that fellowship is a calling on the Christian life. The beauty of it is that God desires good for us and therefore calls us to good things, such as this.
When I first became a Christian, I didn’t have a lot of strong, believing women in my life. I prayed for many years to find faithful and loving friends whom I could learn more from. There were many seasons where I felt incredibly lonely and didn’t have anyone to go to.
But I didn’t give up.
I continued in my pursuit of real friendship.
Along with prayer, I started asking random believers, typically friends of friends, out for coffee.
I invited so many people to church with me. Many didn’t come, but some did.
I joined a community group and poured myself into ministry.
I invited others out for movies or dinners with acquaintances of mine. It meant going out when I didn’t want to, during times that I was much too busy.
I asked them about their lives, their marriages, their joys and their struggles.
I shared my life with them – vulnerable, real, hard life – from the very beginning, without them having to ask.
I feared judgment and disappointment (on both ends) but I quickly realized that they were right alongside me, going through many of the same struggles.
Some of these attempts didn’t amount to much or anything at all – but that was okay, because others did.
I pursued people relentlessly and selflessly, because that is how Jesus pursues me – He kept me going despite my own discouragement and loneliness.
I can now honestly say that the friendships that I have in my life are incomparable. My best friendships weren’t created instantly – my two best friends weren’t immediately the people I shared all of my secrets with – it took time. But now, these relationships are beautiful and joyful and challenging and so incredibly refreshing. I have women who display the love of God to me every single day.
Proverbs 17:17 says, “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.”
Other believers have the ability to sharpen your faith and stir you to exercise that faith in love and good works, to God’s glory.
How do others exercise their love and good works as an example to me?
I had friends walk into my house, unannounced, right after I had my son – arms filled with groceries and cleaning supplies. They selflessly chose to spend their afternoon cooking and cleaning for our new little family.
I have friends who drop everything if I need them, even when there are a million other things that they could be doing.
Friends who randomly drop off gifts or treats at my door in the middle of the day because they are thoughtful and kind.
I share life with women who see me in my marriage and gently pull me aside to encourage me to love my husband better.
Many who come to me in tears, in need of love and godly encouragement, through seasons of brokenness.
Some write or call me daily, even if I seem busy or distant, solely because they love well and are genuinely curious about how I am doing.
These are relationships that I never would have fathomed in my past. None of this has anything to do with who I am and everything to do with God’s grace and love that He rejoices in displaying through His children.
Christian fellowship is beautiful and good because it helps us to focus on Christ and His desires for us – whether we’re at the peak of a mountain top in our lives or deep in the trenches.
One of my favorite verses is Mark 10:45: ’For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve.’ Just as these women serve me, I have been given the opportunity to serve them with the gifting that God has given to bring others joy.
What is your gift? In order to serve, you have to have people around you to serve! Keeping ourselves in community allows us to bless those people by using our gifts.
John 13:35 says, ”By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.”
How can we love one another in this way?
What does intentionality look like on a practical level?
Here are a few things that are helpful to me:
- Make time.
You will always have something else going on or somewhere else to be.
One of my best friends is a mom of two. She homeschools, leads worship at her church, leads a youth group and keeps a very busy schedule. Her time with God and her family are most important, but we work to make time for one another because our friendship is such a gift. I’m the furthest thing from a morning person, but she comes over at 6:00 a.m. every Friday, we chug [a lot of] coffee and catch up on life. It’s not the easiest and sometimes we just lay there – haha -, but the reward of our time spent together is so worth it!
- Discuss good and real things – even with strangers. It is so easy to get caught up in conversations about things of very little importance or to bond over gossip and updates on other people. Let’s move past that shallow conversation and talk about honest things, goals and ideas, conviction and repentance and all of the things that God is teaching you.
- Allow Jesus to be your only foundation of friendship if that’s all you have. It can be difficult to make friends as an adult. If you are lonely and in need of friendship, allow your love for Jesus to be the only thing that you have in common. You may not immediately “click”, but your foundation, your hope and your goals are the same, and that – along with time and trust – is sufficient to build a strong friendship.
In some cases, you may pour more into your relationship than they do, and in others, they will offer more than you can. All friendships are different. Offer yourself up as a friend – you never know who may be completely alone and need someone like you.
Living life in community gives us the opportunity to live out the “each other” language in the New Testament which says:
Love one another, forgive one another, regard one another more highly than yourselves. Teach and correct each other, pray for each other, bear each other’s burdens. Be friends with one another, kind, compassionate and generous in hospitality. Serve one another and submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
This list just scratches the surface, but it is enough to remind us that we need the community to grow up in Christ. I pray that you will not neglect fellowship today, but instead, take the time to pursue and enjoy it as God has intended.
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Ugh i love this Lindsey!! So important to have friendships and you share such awesome tips here! Friendships are so important and life giving for me! Thanks for sharing!!
So good Linds! Because of a combination of you talking to me and your blog I have come to the conclusion that although my constant struggle to have a labeled “best friend” had always come up empty handed, blaming it on the “thought” of lack of love I was recieving on their part, (which isn’t true) in reality the friends I have around me already love, encourage, and humble me in their own way and I never thought that all of them as a unit could be viewed as that “best friend” that I so badly wanted. I can’t go to one specific person for everything but I can go to each of them for different things and that has transformed the way I see friends! So thank you for the friendship post! I could always go for some encouraging words on friendship!
So true and so encouraging Lindsey. True friendship takes work and needs to be God centered.
We move a lot, so I seem to find myself always trying to make new friends. I have gotten better at it over the years, but this definitely helped to encourage me as I continue my prayer filled journey to have more authentic friendships.
This was truly inspiring! There are so many times I say I am too busy for friends or use my kids as an excuse! I needed to read this so I can pursue more life giving friendships as God intended???
This is such a great reminder to have, especially at this time of the year when it gets colder outside and people in general start to stay inside. It can be so easy to isolate but when it comes to it, our relationships are what we have in life. They can make us stronger, wiser, and better. Thanks so much for sharing.
this is perfect, lindsey! having friendships as an adult is not always easy but so worth it.
What a great post! It’s so true that friendships take more effort after college. Loved reading this.
Amanda – http://www.thefashiontofollow.com