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I want to preface this post by saying: I’m not (totally) crazy ;), I’m not insecure in my marriage and I’m not overly jealous. I don’t need nor want access to my husband’s phone at all times. And although any moments where we wish to do so are few and far between, he and I both have the freedom to look through one another’s messages, social media accounts or emails if ever we so choose. He has full access to my phone and I have full access to his.
I completely understand that this may not be how others choose to navigate within their marriages. I want to make it clear that I’m only sharing my opinion. This has been a decision which has drastically strengthened our relationship after facing struggles with trust because of unhealthy past relationships.
My belief is that a healthy marriage consists of a few primary things: a strong foundation, trust that is continuously built upon, great communication and honesty and intimacy.
And yet, I have found that all of these wonderful things can be quickly destroyed by one simple thing: Secrecy.
I looked up “husband phone” and “wife phone” on a few search engines and listed below are some of the most popular questions:
I want to spy on my wife’s phone without her knowledge.
How can I read my husband’s texts without touching his phone?
What app can I use to track my husband’s location without him knowing?
How can I see my wife’s direct Snapchat pictures without access to her phone?
How can I hack my husband’s cell phone to hear his phone conversations?
Guys. This sucks. My heart was so heavy as I read through these questions.
I know that this is a very real thing for many couples. The issue here isn’t that these people are crazy (most of the time, anyway), the issue is that there is a strong lack of trust and/or a lack of communication in their marriage. It is a huge red flag that these husbands and wives are having to ask the internet, rather than their spouse, about their phone or location.
In a marriage, you are one — meaning what’s yours is his and what’s his is yours. If you hide email and social media passwords, delete internet history or erase messages or phone calls, you are diminishing trust and leaving a door wide open for temptation and sin to enter. (In the beginning stages of any relationship, this secretive behavior is definitely reason for concern.)
Friends – it’s the little things, the things overlooked, that will so often spoil things of value.
Even more than the largest disagreements, it’s often the “harmless” little secrets and decisions that will slowly rip the joy and trust from your marriage.
My stomach turns in the moments when I hear a wife ask her husband for his phone and he immediately becomes defensive or calls her “crazy”. Or when a husband goes to grab a wife’s phone and she clings to it for dear life.
Isn’t technology a huge portion of our lives? Shouldn’t we be excited and willing to let the closest person to us in on that side of ourselves? This isn’t about snooping or controlling your marriage. This is about transparency and sharing a ‘glass house’ mentality with the person you love the most.
For many of you, you may not flinch at the thought of allowing access to your husband or wife. However, you may be surprised that offering the words, “You can look through my phone any time you want” can give your spouse a freedom that you never knew they needed.
My husband and I will always have access to one another’s phone because we have chosen accountability and vulnerability with one another. I am completely imperfect and definitely have not overcome all of my struggles with trust. But I lay any fears that I may have at the Cross because I know that God is ultimately and completely in control of my husband’s heart as well as my own. That is where my peace lies.
Let us always continue to take steps to protect our marriage because that is so much more important than our own personal comfort or selfish desires.
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