I recently wrote a post titled, “Dear Wife: Why Your Husband Really Needs You.” As I wrote, I realized that there were too many reasons for one post, so I decided to split it up into two separate portions. This is part two!
As I mentioned previously, we have the sweet privilege as wives to help, love and nurture our husbands. We will never satisfy or fulfill them in the way that Jesus can and will. We were never created to be that for them.
And yet, your role as a wife is so crucial and beautiful. The next time you feel unseen or unnecessary in your husband’s life, I want you to remember why you are so desperately vital to your groom and why he needs you.
1. He needs intimacy outside of the bedroom.
I once heard a quote that went something like this, “Getting married for sex is like buying an airplane for the peanuts.” I still laugh when I think about this, because as a girl who chose to remain pure with my husband before marriage, sex was a really big deal. And of course it still is, but as life has carried on, I’ve realized that, yes, sex is a very important facet of our marriage, but it definitely doesn’t stand alone.
Our husbands don’t only need our touch; they need us to see them. Sharing your emotional side is just as important as sharing your physical. Ladies, he needs to know that you feel safe with him. He needs a companion and a best friend. He needs to feel handsome and desired – and to be reminded that you still find him just as masculine and attractive as you did on your wedding day.
Take time out of your day (every day) to compliment him. Hold his hand. Praise him in public. Do things that he loves to do. Send him romantic texts regularly. Let him know that he is cherished and seen.
2. He needs sex.
Allow me to lovingly make this point clear: You BOTH do. He is not the only one. You and your husband both need companionship and intimacy that only the other can fulfill.
Wives: Sex in marriage is important. It is necessary. And it isn’t simply a suggestion as much as many women would like to believe that it is.
It can be easy to push this part of marriage to the wayside and neglect our husbands physically. I am fully aware that that there may be backgrounds of hurt and distrust that must be overcome – it can be a difficult topic and one that deserves grace and understanding. But sweet friends, these issues have to be dealt with, whether through counseling, prayer or reading, in order to come to a place where you are physically intimate with your spouse.
1 Cor. 7:5 reminds married couples, “Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”
There is an entire book of the Bible that talks about the beauty and importance of sex. Intimacy is a gift from God and is a very important component of marriage which is intended to be enjoyed and embraced!
Friends, we are called to intimacy. It has a very great power to shift the health of your marriage when it is or is not made a consistent priority.
3. He needs you to display your contentment.
The majority of our husbands work incredibly hard to provide for their families. Your husband very likely wants to feel as if he is meeting the desires of his wife. When you live within your family’s financial means, you are respecting your husband by validating him and his hard work. If you are continuously bringing up the changes you want to make to your home, the vacations you want to go on, the new car you want to purchase – you are likely placing an incredibly heavy burden on your spouse that you may not be aware of.
Anyone who knows me knows that I LOVE to travel. I am always planning extravagant vacations just for fun. I often show pictures to Jesse and ask, “Can we please go in a few months?!”
I’m half-joking (and half-not) when I ask him – and he knows this. We have goals for our family. We want to continue to invest in properties and we are both working toward the same goals, but we won’t achieve them if I “have” to go on extravagant vacations constantly. I know that the wait will be worth it in the long run, but sometimes I just test him to see if his answer is “yes”.
I have been learning that it’s not always necessary, or helpful, to share every single “want” that we have. It’s good to have goals and for your husband to be aware of those goals, but it’s also extremely important to choose to be content in the season of life that God has you in. Your husband has a very deep desire to give you the life you always wanted. When we continuously show that we want “more, more, more”, we make him feel as if what he’s already doing isn’t enough.
4. He needs you to let him make his own mistakes.
When your husband makes a mistake, it’s a part of his growth. But as women, we tend to be ‘fixers’, don’t we? We want to prevent our husbands from making poor choices and may have the tendency to remind them of their mistakes when they make the wrong choice. But your husband needs you to help him up when he falls, not to kick him when he’s down.
1 Peter 3: 1-2 says, “Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behaviour of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives.”
When we live in a way that is an encouragement to our husbands, we can know that we are doing everything in our power to be an example and display what God has done in our own lives. This isn’t to say that having real, hard conversations isn’t important, because it is. But words are only words if they’re not lived out.
We have the freedom to allow our husbands to make his own mistakes, without nagging, fighting or rubbing them in his face. We have to trust that God is powerful enough to work in and through him and to change his heart in the flawed and sinful areas. We must remember that it’s simply not our job to do so. Sometimes not doing or saying anything at all is doing something big. “I told you so” is very rarely kind or helpful.
Wives, you are so very, very important. You are loved. You are valuable. Make use of the gifts and blessings that God has poured out onto your life and, in the same way, pour them onto your husband. He truly needs you – probably a whole lot more than you may know.
Thank you for sharing this. 3 and 4 is great reminder.
Thank you so much for reading, Sarah!
These are all important insights into marriage! So often there are little things that we think we are doing okay but can improve upon to make a huge difference in our happiness! It’s so crucial to avoid being roommates.
Yes! I completely agree with that, Kuleigh. It’s easy to fall into that trap, isn’t it? I strongly believe that intimacy is the number one thing that fills that gap!
You’ve made some very good points that often go overlooked.
Great post…I know I tend to brush most of these to the side and “not important” it’s always a good reminder! And as always so well written
Thanks so much, girl! I tend to push them aside, too! Even when I write them I start to remind myself of how much I need to hear it!
# 3 is so important! So easy for us to complain but it’s def a big deal for them to know we’re actually happy!
Amazing post! Love reading other Spirit-minded women’s blogs who speak to the heart of all of us as women… and us as Christ-folllwers !
Awe – and we both have the same name!! 😉 I’m so glad you enjoyed this post! Thank you for your encouragement!
I needed to read this tonight. Thank you Lindsey
You’re so welcome, Olviya! Thank you for reading!
Oh dear, number four is something I need to remember! I’m not married, but I’m very protective of my ex-boyfriend (and baby daddy). I just want to shake him (not really) when I see that he is about to make a bad decision. Instead, I need to remind myself that he needs to make them…and it’s not my problem if he messes up!
Me too, Kendel! It is really hard not to try and control them in that way – but I really believe that is so freeing for both parties to just let the other make choices. Obviously communication is very important and running ideas by one another can be crucial as well!
Lindsey, I truly loved this post.
You explained so well the simple yet crucial things we can do to make our married lives better. I especially relate to the “crazy vacation plans” point. I never realized that constantly adding to my “bucket-list” of places to see – unreachable temples in Japan, waterfall in Iceland, etc. – might be dragging my husband down. Being content is such a powerful feeling. I am grateful for our life together and you’ve just taught me one more way to express it to my husband.
Thank you so much for your kindness and encouragement, Francesca! Our bucket lists sound similar 😉 but you’re so right – contentment is definitely a powerful feeling. Hugs to you!
I definitely struggle with the intimacy part, especially after 5 kids. This was a healthy reminder that sex in a relationship is something I should not overlook.
Girl, I completely understand that! It is hard and sometimes even a selfless act. But I trust that if we place God first in that, He gives us the strength to push forward and also the ability to enjoy it!
This is such an awesome example of a Christ-centered relationship. Thank you so much for sharing this. I particularly needed to hear the mistakes part. We do need to let them make that and our own actions are truly the best example for them in that. It’s difficult at times, but so very true.
Hi Lauren! That is one of my biggest struggles as well. It’s difficult to step back and not ‘control’ their decisions, but so freeing for our husbands when we allow them to make their own choices. Thank you for reading!
This was honestly such an awesome post to read. I dont even know if I can describe how it made me feel but your literally wrote out so many truths that I needed to be reminded of today. Thank you
You are so kind, Zhade! Thank you so much for reading! I’m so grateful that God used this post to speak to you.
Wise, wise words, young wife. Keep up the great work! 😉
The How-to Guru
Thanks so much, Shan! 🙂
Thank you for the reminder, i need to start to do most of these often. When you have kids sometimes you forget about all these important things. <3
Thanks so much for sharing this beautiful article! Such a true, and heartfelt message. 🙂 Love how you are encouraging women to reverence their husbands.
Wow, I TOTALLY didn’t realize number 3 could have that connotation. I love dreaming about home improvement and travel, but it never occurred to me that I might be placing stress on him by making him feel like I’m not content with where we are. Thank you! That’s a lot to think about!
wow, this is a wonderful piece that has really vibrated all parts of my life and has given me hope that my family will indeed be revived.
Me, very encouraging